It's Been A Long Summer

Be careful what you wish for ....

Sorry to have dropped off the blogosphere so abruptly and thank you for your messages wondering where in the hell I went to.

Initially, I got pissed off with Blogger and was trying to transfer my account over to another host site. As I am a technical idiot, this was taking time and making me even madder than I was originally.

But the real blog-stopper was that I got a job teaching 6th grade at the school I wanted to teach at - I pause here to thank the educational gods - and I have literally not stopped since the moment I heard the good news. I have been working 8-10 hour days getting ready for the first day, which is this Monday.

I am feeling scared and nervous and excited and .... well, mainly just scared. If I stop to think about the big picture, what I'm expected to do over a whole school year, my knees get a little trembly, so I am trying to only think about things on a week to week basis right now.

I hope to keep you posted on what happens, but at my last teacher meeting they warned us all NOT to have blogs or MySpace pages or Facebook accounts or ANYTHING that might somehow get us in trouble or get the school system sued. They're real concerned about the whole getting sued thing, heh.

So we will see how it goes.....wish me luck!

One Little Monkey

Yesterday was The Punk's end-of-school pageant and we parents were treated, as always, to the heart warming spectacle of our children not singing and not dancing while wearing extremely cute costumes.

The Punk and the rest of the three year old class were at one point dressed up like monkeys, including ears and tail, and were supposed to sing the classic "Five Little Monkeys" song, complete with dramatic hand and body motions that were supposed to indicate what was going on. Alas, they never quite got it together, and the result was like some kind of surreal toddler interpretive dance recital instead, which I'm pretty sure was not the effect the teachers were aiming for, but I enjoyed it immensely.

One or two of the kids were inevitably seized by severe stage fright and had to be led offstage, weeping inconsolably to find their parents. I felt for them, as The Princess used to be that weeping child, and will still have a major hissy fit if she thinks she has to stand up and say something in front of more than two people.

But I'll admit to you, just between us, that it's kind of nice for a change to have the kid that's absolutely fearless on stage. My son distinguished himself from the horde, yet again, with his exuberant clapping for everyone and everything, and I must say his wild waving and frequent very loud shout-outs to his fans in the crowd really outshone his previous Christmas pageant best. I was a very proud parent. I know that sounds snarky, but it's true. As a matter of fact, I swear to God if they gave Oscars to three year olds for waving and clapping he would win hands down, he is that good.

Okay, that last bit was snarky, but the sentiment remains true. He really is quite charismatic; my sincere hope is that he models himself along the lines of someone like Tom Hanks, as opposed to say, Bugsy Siegal.

Here he is at the end, excited at having done such a good job. Just look at that beaming face - every time I see that grin, it cheers me right up.

Hope it works on you, too!

Exploring Alternate Realities

I know lots of people who complain about the emails they get from their mothers, aunts, uncles and grandmas, et cetera, but I love the ones I get from mine. Granted there are lots of superstitious chains featuring prancing unicorns or smug leprechauns warning you that you have twenty minutes to send it on or your life as you know it will end. And then there are the ones that feature cuddly kittens and bunnies telling you to turn that frown upside down and declaring friendship forever.

My most recent faves have been the ones that earnestly assure me with serious (mis) quoting of Biblical scripture that Barack Obama and/or Hillary Clinton are really scary Liberal Muslim Bitchy Terrorist Ballbreaking Antichrist Communist UnPatriotic Manchurian Candidates OMG RUN!!!!

But occasionally you get some interesting stuff, and today from my Aunt in Georgia (whom is a fabulous person, is my favorite Aunt ever, and I love muchly by the way) I got a link to How Many Of Me . It tells you how many people in the United States have the same name as you. Pretty simple, yet I found it riveting.

There are only 34 people in the US with my name. Apparently, the average is closer to 1,000, so that tells you how unusual my name is. Yay for all 34 versions of me! Tragically all the other different mes are way cooler. I know this because I am terminally nosey and immediately Googled my name to see who I am in the rest of the country.

The other "mes" are apparently a lot more driven to success than I ever was.

I am a Professor of Geology at a University in Colorado, an installation artist/sculptor/painter in Pennsylvania, a sports medicine Doctor in Cape Cod, the treasurer of the educational authority in Orlando, the owner and founder of a dog rescue agency in Vermont, a top administrator for the Virginia State Parole Board, a coding education coordinator for a hospital in Ohio, and a writer/illustrator of children's books in New York City.

The other me that I thought was kind of spooky, though, was the me that's the Chief Child Death Scene Investigator and head of a major Forensic Lab. She got a degree in Psychology from UNC-CH, the same as I did, and apparently lived on the same street as I did when I attended university in Chapel Hill. If only I didn't detest and nearly flunk Chemistry, that could have been the real me!!!

Sadly, the real me, the me that's writing this blog, doesn't figure anywhere on the Google and believe me I looked. It wasn't even me on the obligatory Classmates.com link. It was some chick from Iowa. And Iowa??? We would never live there!!! What's wrong with her?? She's letting the other 33 of us down!!!

So I content myself with the successes of the other versions of me, they seem to be doing a great job. I'll just be in the back of the alternate reality room, drinking.

Lots and lots of drinking. That I'm good at.

We're Here, We're Queer And .... We're Married

"Congratulations gay people! You are about to discover the joys of alimony."- Craig Ferguson

Now that California has become the second state to legalize gay marriage in the last few years, I think it's safe to say the rest of the country will eventually follow. I hasten to add that I use the term "eventually" in the knowledge that there are some states where "eventually" might mean in the next 100 years or so. Or maybe when hell freezes over, in the case of somewhere like West Virginia *cough*. But it will happen.

I have never understood the theory that allowing gay people to legally confirm their relationship somehow has an adverse impact on the sanctity of marriage as an institution.

On the contrary, when I turn on my TV and see shows like "Who Wants To Marry My Dad", see headlines that read "Britney Spears Las Vegas Wedding Lasts 55 Hours" or read about yet another married Republican Family Values (TM) politician getting caught with his pants down and illegitimate baby on the side, I feel a warm glow in my heart knowing that we straight people have degraded it all by ourselves without any help from our rainbow lovin' friends.

So welcome to your future, gay people. Get ready for the verbal barrage from your various older female relatives asking when are you going to settle down already and get married? And I look forward to the fabulous weddings you will throw; as Tina Fey predicted, "We're talking $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos ... they'd hire Patti La Belle as the band and give out African parrots as party favors". I can't wait - no more suffering through polyester puff-ball bridesmaid dresses and Garth Brooks love songs is fine by me. There is also a good chance that your mother will start to drop not-so-subtle-hints about grandchildren, too, she's not getting any younger, you know.

Of course, some of these unions will inevitably end in acrimony and divorce. Sadly, it's human nature to rush into a hasty marriage and only later repent in sorrowful leisure; I am quite positive straight people have no monopoly on that folly. Welcome to the full marriage experience my gay friends, welcome.

My advice? Get a good lawyer ...

Losing A Bet

Last week George, my Emergency Back-Up Husband, Every Girl Should Have One (TM), lost a bet with The Husband (made in the beer clouded haze of a recent fishing trip I believe) and somewhat surprisingly agreed to the forfeit - he had his head shaved.

This is what he looked like before he sat down in a chair on our deck and actually agreed to let The Husband near his head with a pair of clippers set to number one.

I admire his calm. Although I strongly suspect that - once again - the drinking of beer may have been a factor.

Funnily enough, The Punk made a bet with mommy on the same day. HE bet that if he were very, very naughty, he would get away with it and mommy would never notice.


He lost.

Here he is "reflecting" during a lengthy time-out.

If I were to take an educated guess, I would say he is "reflecting" on how he got caught, rather than what he did wrong.





And this is the final result.

The Husband took a liking to the whole amateur barbering experience and decided The Punk also needed a severe clipping to "build his character".


Like he needs any more character.

Let's hope they both learned their lesson. But I seriously doubt it.

I Am Kind Of Tired

Look ya'll here's the deal.

My last blog post was my last day off. My next day off is May 2nd. So, many apologies for the lack of bloggage and the lack of checking in on your blogs, but I just can't see this pattern changing much in the next couple of weeks. It is not uncommon for me to be in bed by 8pm these days, it's really quite embarrassing. I admit I miss it and miss you, too!

I leave you with my latest find One Sentence. It's pretty neat, go check it out!

John McSimpson

I can't figure out how to make it bigger, so click on it to enlarge. It's worth it.




*Courtesy of Badtux The Snarky Penguin who stole it from someone else, heh.