We're Here, We're Queer And .... We're Married

"Congratulations gay people! You are about to discover the joys of alimony."- Craig Ferguson

Now that California has become the second state to legalize gay marriage in the last few years, I think it's safe to say the rest of the country will eventually follow. I hasten to add that I use the term "eventually" in the knowledge that there are some states where "eventually" might mean in the next 100 years or so. Or maybe when hell freezes over, in the case of somewhere like West Virginia *cough*. But it will happen.

I have never understood the theory that allowing gay people to legally confirm their relationship somehow has an adverse impact on the sanctity of marriage as an institution.

On the contrary, when I turn on my TV and see shows like "Who Wants To Marry My Dad", see headlines that read "Britney Spears Las Vegas Wedding Lasts 55 Hours" or read about yet another married Republican Family Values (TM) politician getting caught with his pants down and illegitimate baby on the side, I feel a warm glow in my heart knowing that we straight people have degraded it all by ourselves without any help from our rainbow lovin' friends.

So welcome to your future, gay people. Get ready for the verbal barrage from your various older female relatives asking when are you going to settle down already and get married? And I look forward to the fabulous weddings you will throw; as Tina Fey predicted, "We're talking $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos ... they'd hire Patti La Belle as the band and give out African parrots as party favors". I can't wait - no more suffering through polyester puff-ball bridesmaid dresses and Garth Brooks love songs is fine by me. There is also a good chance that your mother will start to drop not-so-subtle-hints about grandchildren, too, she's not getting any younger, you know.

Of course, some of these unions will inevitably end in acrimony and divorce. Sadly, it's human nature to rush into a hasty marriage and only later repent in sorrowful leisure; I am quite positive straight people have no monopoly on that folly. Welcome to the full marriage experience my gay friends, welcome.

My advice? Get a good lawyer ...