The Boy

Back in October, I took The Boy for his two year check-up. (Confession ... I am a crap parent as he was 26 months at the time.)

Aside from the usual pokes and jabs, the pediatrician gave me a stern telling-off because of his speech. Specifically, his lack of speech. Up until that point, he had been getting by with a complicated system of grunts and pointing imperiously for whatever he wanted, but Dr. P was adamant that the free ride must stop, tout suite! The ENTIRE family was guilty of interpreting his every gesture, she explained with a serious frowny-face, and now it was up to us to QUIT doing that and MAKE him start talking.

I tried to explain that I was quite positive that he COULD speak, but was CHOOSING not to, because he is a contrary little fellow. In fact, I helpfully added, I had a theory that he was actually speaking in some weird combo of Russian/Chinese, but as I sadly lack those language skills, I could never adequately prove it. She was unmoved and began to lecture me about speech therapists.

So the great family project began. All hands on deck! We have all spent the last few months taking turns reading even MORE books to him, singing the alphabet song ad nauseum, repeating simple sentences over and over again, not giving him his juicecup/toy/blanket unless he vocalizes something even though it is crystal clear what he wants ...
Santa even brought him a Talking Elmo for Christmas. (DIE Talking Elmo, DIE!).

The upshot of all this hard work is as follows:

The Boy: (Points rather grandly to a hotdog.)
Mommee!

Me: (Adopting a friendly, yet sincere demeanour.)
Say, "More hotdog please, Mommee!"

The Boy: (Remains silent.)

Me: (Smiling encouragingly.)
Say, "Hotdog"!

The Boy: (Produces a sweet grin, but remains silent.)

Me: (Getting tricksy.)
Say, "Hot!

The Boy: (Catching on that this might be fun.)
Hot!

Me: (Smiling)
Say, "Dog"!

The Boy: (Claps happily.)
Dog!

Me: (Beaming proudly.)
What a big boy! Now, say "hotdog"!

The Boy: (Allows a small pitying grin to play briefly across his face for stupid mommee and remains silent.)

Me: (Sighing deeply)
Dammit.

The Boy: (Enunciating very clearly, very loudly and with much glee.)
Nammit!