Living In A World Of Poo
My mother is having a colonoscopy tomorrow. The doctor assured her that it was really no big deal, then gave her an intricately detailed list of preparations she must make before the big day.
I listened politely as she read them out; the week beforehand, she was to stop taking any medications not vital to her continued existence. No Aleve which sucks for her arthritic knee, but do-able. Two days beforehand, no gaseous foods were to be eaten, nor anything containing seeds. Awwww, no chili for Grandma; but again, nothing too onerous, in my humble opinion. The day beforehand, no solid food was to be eaten; only clear liquids were to be ingested. Poor hungry Grandma, that is a bit harder to do, but a few hours of fasting can't hurt, can it? No need to go on about it!
The next part of the instructions got my undivided attention.
At approximately 5 p.m. the night before the colonoscopy she was to drink a gallon of laxative in order to ensure that her colon was clean. The desired effect was, and I quote, "clear stools".
Clear stools? What exactly is that? If they're "clear", how can you tell if they're "stools"? I found myself inordinately interested in the concept of see-through poo and have wondered about it all day today while at work. To be honest, I was looking forward to the whole enterprise, even though I knew my mother was most decidedly not.
Tonight as she was drinking her eighth glass of laxative and grumbling about how hungry she was, I broached the subject with her. "So, your stools. Are they clear yet? " I asked subtly, whilst eating my deluxe, fully loaded, hand-tossed pizza.
She put her glass down firmly and glared at me. "What!?" she said.
"I was just wondering if you had the clear stools yet, and can I have a look at them if you do? Well, if you can actually see them, that is. Hahahaha! Geddit? See them if they're clear? Nevermind. Mmmmm, this pizza is really good, too bad you can't have any." I replied.
"There is something wrong with you!" she declared, and hurried off in the direction of the bathroom.
As of yet, no answer to the mystery of what constitutes a clear stool, but the night is young and I have pizza.
5 comments:
It's twenty past six in the morning . . . woke up at 6 and a bit grumpy . . . boiled kettle . . . wandered to the PC . . . .made glorious cup of Yorkshire Gold tea . . . .sat down at PC . . .slightly less grumpy now . . . started to read about - and feel soooooo sorry for - Grandma with her perilous run-up to her colonoscopy. Working, as I do, for the world's finest broadcasting organisation I must admit that I had started to imagine your Grandma having to cope with a camera like one of ours with its cable, tripod, gaffer tape and riggers . . ..which made me smile a bit - - but my sides are now aching having read the end of your story!
Trouble is . . . . will I ever be able to eat a fully-loaded, hand-tossed pizza again without changing the the topic of conversation to stools?? :-)
Anyone fancy a cuppa?
Clear stools. That is a bit perplexing and somewhat troublesome to me as well.
Hope it all comes out well. :)
I think Bob Dylan said shortly before his colonoscopy that "The Answer Is Blowin' In The Wind"
Man! I called your mom to see if she had taken a sample! That would have been a great project for Maddie and her microscope! lol
How did your mum get on today? Hope they got to the "bottom" of the problem. Give her my love x x x
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