Saturday, August 23, 2008

It's Been A Long Summer

Be careful what you wish for ....

Sorry to have dropped off the blogosphere so abruptly and thank you for your messages wondering where in the hell I went to.

Initially, I got pissed off with Blogger and was trying to transfer my account over to another host site. As I am a technical idiot, this was taking time and making me even madder than I was originally.

But the real blog-stopper was that I got a job teaching 6th grade at the school I wanted to teach at - I pause here to thank the educational gods - and I have literally not stopped since the moment I heard the good news. I have been working 8-10 hour days getting ready for the first day, which is this Monday.

I am feeling scared and nervous and excited and .... well, mainly just scared. If I stop to think about the big picture, what I'm expected to do over a whole school year, my knees get a little trembly, so I am trying to only think about things on a week to week basis right now.

I hope to keep you posted on what happens, but at my last teacher meeting they warned us all NOT to have blogs or MySpace pages or Facebook accounts or ANYTHING that might somehow get us in trouble or get the school system sued. They're real concerned about the whole getting sued thing, heh.

So we will see how it goes.....wish me luck!

Friday, May 23, 2008

One Little Monkey

Yesterday was The Punk's end-of-school pageant and we parents were treated, as always, to the heart warming spectacle of our children not singing and not dancing while wearing extremely cute costumes.

The Punk and the rest of the three year old class were at one point dressed up like monkeys, including ears and tail, and were supposed to sing the classic "Five Little Monkeys" song, complete with dramatic hand and body motions that were supposed to indicate what was going on. Alas, they never quite got it together, and the result was like some kind of surreal toddler interpretive dance recital instead, which I'm pretty sure was not the effect the teachers were aiming for, but I enjoyed it immensely.

One or two of the kids were inevitably seized by severe stage fright and had to be led offstage, weeping inconsolably to find their parents. I felt for them, as The Princess used to be that weeping child, and will still have a major hissy fit if she thinks she has to stand up and say something in front of more than two people.

But I'll admit to you, just between us, that it's kind of nice for a change to have the kid that's absolutely fearless on stage. My son distinguished himself from the horde, yet again, with his exuberant clapping for everyone and everything, and I must say his wild waving and frequent very loud shout-outs to his fans in the crowd really outshone his previous Christmas pageant best. I was a very proud parent. I know that sounds snarky, but it's true. As a matter of fact, I swear to God if they gave Oscars to three year olds for waving and clapping he would win hands down, he is that good.

Okay, that last bit was snarky, but the sentiment remains true. He really is quite charismatic; my sincere hope is that he models himself along the lines of someone like Tom Hanks, as opposed to say, Bugsy Siegal.

Here he is at the end, excited at having done such a good job. Just look at that beaming face - every time I see that grin, it cheers me right up.

Hope it works on you, too!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Exploring Alternate Realities

I know lots of people who complain about the emails they get from their mothers, aunts, uncles and grandmas, et cetera, but I love the ones I get from mine. Granted there are lots of superstitious chains featuring prancing unicorns or smug leprechauns warning you that you have twenty minutes to send it on or your life as you know it will end. And then there are the ones that feature cuddly kittens and bunnies telling you to turn that frown upside down and declaring friendship forever.

My most recent faves have been the ones that earnestly assure me with serious (mis) quoting of Biblical scripture that Barack Obama and/or Hillary Clinton are really scary Liberal Muslim Bitchy Terrorist Ballbreaking Antichrist Communist UnPatriotic Manchurian Candidates OMG RUN!!!!

But occasionally you get some interesting stuff, and today from my Aunt in Georgia (whom is a fabulous person, is my favorite Aunt ever, and I love muchly by the way) I got a link to How Many Of Me . It tells you how many people in the United States have the same name as you. Pretty simple, yet I found it riveting.

There are only 34 people in the US with my name. Apparently, the average is closer to 1,000, so that tells you how unusual my name is. Yay for all 34 versions of me! Tragically all the other different mes are way cooler. I know this because I am terminally nosey and immediately Googled my name to see who I am in the rest of the country.

The other "mes" are apparently a lot more driven to success than I ever was.

I am a Professor of Geology at a University in Colorado, an installation artist/sculptor/painter in Pennsylvania, a sports medicine Doctor in Cape Cod, the treasurer of the educational authority in Orlando, the owner and founder of a dog rescue agency in Vermont, a top administrator for the Virginia State Parole Board, a coding education coordinator for a hospital in Ohio, and a writer/illustrator of children's books in New York City.

The other me that I thought was kind of spooky, though, was the me that's the Chief Child Death Scene Investigator and head of a major Forensic Lab. She got a degree in Psychology from UNC-CH, the same as I did, and apparently lived on the same street as I did when I attended university in Chapel Hill. If only I didn't detest and nearly flunk Chemistry, that could have been the real me!!!

Sadly, the real me, the me that's writing this blog, doesn't figure anywhere on the Google and believe me I looked. It wasn't even me on the obligatory Classmates.com link. It was some chick from Iowa. And Iowa??? We would never live there!!! What's wrong with her?? She's letting the other 33 of us down!!!

So I content myself with the successes of the other versions of me, they seem to be doing a great job. I'll just be in the back of the alternate reality room, drinking.

Lots and lots of drinking. That I'm good at.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

We're Here, We're Queer And .... We're Married

"Congratulations gay people! You are about to discover the joys of alimony."- Craig Ferguson

Now that California has become the second state to legalize gay marriage in the last few years, I think it's safe to say the rest of the country will eventually follow. I hasten to add that I use the term "eventually" in the knowledge that there are some states where "eventually" might mean in the next 100 years or so. Or maybe when hell freezes over, in the case of somewhere like West Virginia *cough*. But it will happen.

I have never understood the theory that allowing gay people to legally confirm their relationship somehow has an adverse impact on the sanctity of marriage as an institution.

On the contrary, when I turn on my TV and see shows like "Who Wants To Marry My Dad", see headlines that read "Britney Spears Las Vegas Wedding Lasts 55 Hours" or read about yet another married Republican Family Values (TM) politician getting caught with his pants down and illegitimate baby on the side, I feel a warm glow in my heart knowing that we straight people have degraded it all by ourselves without any help from our rainbow lovin' friends.

So welcome to your future, gay people. Get ready for the verbal barrage from your various older female relatives asking when are you going to settle down already and get married? And I look forward to the fabulous weddings you will throw; as Tina Fey predicted, "We're talking $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos ... they'd hire Patti La Belle as the band and give out African parrots as party favors". I can't wait - no more suffering through polyester puff-ball bridesmaid dresses and Garth Brooks love songs is fine by me. There is also a good chance that your mother will start to drop not-so-subtle-hints about grandchildren, too, she's not getting any younger, you know.

Of course, some of these unions will inevitably end in acrimony and divorce. Sadly, it's human nature to rush into a hasty marriage and only later repent in sorrowful leisure; I am quite positive straight people have no monopoly on that folly. Welcome to the full marriage experience my gay friends, welcome.

My advice? Get a good lawyer ...

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Losing A Bet

Last week George, my Emergency Back-Up Husband, Every Girl Should Have One (TM), lost a bet with The Husband (made in the beer clouded haze of a recent fishing trip I believe) and somewhat surprisingly agreed to the forfeit - he had his head shaved.

This is what he looked like before he sat down in a chair on our deck and actually agreed to let The Husband near his head with a pair of clippers set to number one.

I admire his calm. Although I strongly suspect that - once again - the drinking of beer may have been a factor.

Funnily enough, The Punk made a bet with mommy on the same day. HE bet that if he were very, very naughty, he would get away with it and mommy would never notice.


He lost.

Here he is "reflecting" during a lengthy time-out.

If I were to take an educated guess, I would say he is "reflecting" on how he got caught, rather than what he did wrong.





And this is the final result.

The Husband took a liking to the whole amateur barbering experience and decided The Punk also needed a severe clipping to "build his character".


Like he needs any more character.

Let's hope they both learned their lesson. But I seriously doubt it.

Friday, April 25, 2008

I Am Kind Of Tired

Look ya'll here's the deal.

My last blog post was my last day off. My next day off is May 2nd. So, many apologies for the lack of bloggage and the lack of checking in on your blogs, but I just can't see this pattern changing much in the next couple of weeks. It is not uncommon for me to be in bed by 8pm these days, it's really quite embarrassing. I admit I miss it and miss you, too!

I leave you with my latest find One Sentence. It's pretty neat, go check it out!

Friday, April 11, 2008

John McSimpson

I can't figure out how to make it bigger, so click on it to enlarge. It's worth it.




*Courtesy of Badtux The Snarky Penguin who stole it from someone else, heh.

Another Lame Weekly (Ish) Update PLUS All Things Buffy

This working two jobs thing is really kicking my butt!!

I have worked every day since April 1st either at Cedar Creek or teaching and I am just a wee bit exhausted. I am supposed to be putting some time in at the gallery again today but I have to be honest - a la Randy Jackson - and tell you I'm just not feeling it right now, dawg. This weekend is the second open house at the Gallery and I will be assisting Lisa Oakley again with the glass blowing (if you're in the area swing by and say hi).

I yearn for the day when I have a proper job, one that has a set schedule that you can arrange a life around. There are quite a few teaching job fairs coming up soon, fingers crossed that I am successful and snag a place for next year!! Otherwise I will go crazy!! And keep typing overwrought sentences that end in exclamation marks!! Even worse I might have to get a job in a bank or something instead!!

But anyway I digress in a whiny fashion.

Last weekend at Cedar Creek was a success, even though the weather got confused and thought it was in England instead of North Carolina. Rainy and cold, foggy and damp. It was just like being in Manchester, which is not really a good thing weather-wise. The Girls came with me to work on Saturday and stayed all day "helping". I'm pretty sure they got on my colleague's nerves, but they were too kind to say anything about it.

Well, Jeff Bottoms did actually make The Princess cry but thems the breaks, I warned her not to mess with him, heh. Jeff, along with his partner John Martin, grows and sells all the wonderful plants available at the gallery. He reminds me very much of my late friend Jeremy in his disdain for all things children (that's Jeff on the left in the blue shirt, happy in this pic because he is with other adults Tim Turner and John Martin and NOT my children).

Luckily for The Girls, however, the always lovely and extremely child-tolerant Ronan Peterson was demonstrating pottery and so they spent most of their time cadging clay from him and making their own masterpieces. He carefully collected all their efforts and promised to glaze and fire them. I'm pretty sure they don't understand (yet) what a privilege that is. Ronan is one of the most talented young up-and-coming potters around today. I absolutely adore his work and have much of it at home. He is truly a nice guy and, according to The Teenager, he is "cute". What a gem!

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In other non-Cedar Creek related news, I wanted to tell you about two other websites that have caught my attention and that you need to check out pronto!

The first is Buffy Holt's website. Buffy is a waaay more than a blogger, although technically her site is a blog. She is a very, very talented writer who posts snippets of her fiction (along with more chatty bloggery-type posts) to string you along until she actually writes a real book like she should.

I wish I could say I saw her first, but in fact she found me and sent me an extremely nice email a few weeks ago and I have been meaning to tell you about her since then! She and I share an almost scary amount in common in the way our lives have unfolded (both Americans who married Brits, lived in Manchester in the UK and have moved back to North Carolina), except she is truly entertaining, very funny, and talented to the nth degree. Oh, and her Limey husband didn't run off with a local cocktail waitress!

So when I haven't been reading Buffy's website I have been watching old episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer on a new site I've discovered called Hulu. I will come clean here and now and tell you I am a hugely devoted fanatical fan who religiously watched the entire 7 seasons of Buffy. It remains one of the smartest and most well-written television in recent memory, as Zoe Williams argues so well here for you non-believers out there (ahem, Brad Tucker I'm talking to you!) Joss Whedon can do no wrong in my book, the man is simply a genius.

Along with Buffy, Hulu has a nice little collection of old and new shows you can watch on your computer, free of charge. I have also enjoyed their Simpsons catalog, as well. If you're like me and you get home from work either physically or mentally exhausted or both, whiling away an hour watching one of your fave telly episodes is a lovely way to unwind.

Hopefully after this weekend I will have a bit more reserves to draw on and normal semi-slack blogging will resume. I know you can't wait, heh.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Cedar Creek Gallery Spring Festival;And Sadly He Failed The Test ...

A sort-of day off today ... I ended up going back to Cedar Creek and logging in a couple of hours anyway. Everyone is working at a frantic pace getting ready for the imminent 40th Spring Festival at the gallery.

Along with the usual pottery, textile, glass and woodturning demonstrations, Alan Bennett will be firing up the wood kiln on Saturday, there will be live music all weekend, and we also have a full on pig-picking scheduled (free and open to the public) to kick off the artist's reception for our fabulous Contemporary Sculpture show that's opening on Friday night. I saw it in its almost final version today and it's pretty darn awesome.

It's been hard work but if you're in the area come on over, I guarantee it will be well worth your time. Plus, you might get the chance to see me burn or cut myself as I assist Lisa Oakley blowing glass. Think of it as a bonus.

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In unrelated news, The Punk has distinguished himself yet again. Sadly, this is NOT the first time this has happened. Yes, that is me laughing at and filming my beloved offspring instead of helping him. I may be a bad parent but hey, I know funny when I see it.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

March Madness; But Less Wood Please!

Oh and another major reason for my bloggery dropout the last week that I totally neglected to mention in yesterday's post is, of course, the ongoing NCAA tourney (I was actually watching a game while I was typing it last night, so I wasn't paying full attention, my bad).

I believe I may have mentioned before that I am a wee bit of a UNC basketball fan; they are expected (by me, if no one else) to go all the way to the final this year and win the whole shebang. I am pleased to report to those of you not the least bit interested that they are indeed whipping the baggy basketball pants off their opponents so far. And Duke got knocked out early, haha. So, all is right with the world ... well almost.

Unfortunately, there is a fly in the TV coverage ointment. I realize that the target audience for most sports is men, but those ubiquitous Viagra ads are driving me batshit crazy ya'll, 'scuse my French.

It's not even that the ads cruelly implant the mental image of a group bunch of lusty old horndogs grinning like loons at each other (and sitting in a circle, 'nuff said!) into your mind, but that they have taken a beloved Elvis song, Viva Las Vegas, and ruined it for me forever.

I can't hear that song now without picturing Grandpa shouting, "Hurry up Ma! The pill is working, it's working!", while poor old Ma is weeping silent tears of rage and despair in the pantry.

So please quit already with the ads, we get it ...

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Another Lame Weekly (Ish) Update

Yikes! Another week without posting!! The bloggery gods will be very, very angry ...

Last week I switched my work focus from substitute teaching back to Cedar Creek Gallery; more specifically helping Lisa Oakley blow glass again. The gallery has its Spring Festival coming up the first two weekends of April so I agreed to help out, mainly because the time they need me occurs over the school's spring break, so I'm really only missing out on a week of subbing. Alas, I have gotten fat and lazy teaching and have repeatedly come home from working late in Lisa's glass studio or the gallery absolutely exhausted. Tragically, I have mentally written many posts on my way home from work, only to flake out before I can get to computer.

I'm sure you all feel the loss.

Today is my only day off until some point next week. I will try to be a better blogger buddy, but I can make no promises.

I leave you with The Punk's favorite joke. We hear this multiple times a day and it never gets old ... for him!



Thursday, March 20, 2008

Barack The Vote Part II

So The Husband and I, having scored a pair of tickets (which were free by the way) to see Barack Obama, set off to Charlotte yesterday to catch him in action. We were very much looking forward to this "town hall" meeting; this was not the usual pep rally but instead a small venue seating less than 3000 people, the idea being that the audience could ask him questions one-on-one. We were curious - would he be the charismatic rock star we had seen on the telly? Or would he be the somber history-maker we had watched the day before as he gave his groundbreaking speech on race relations in the US?

Well, first we had to get in the damn place. I have to say I was extremely impressed with the organization. Even though the line stretched for what seemed like miles, there were Obama people every twenty yards making sure people had their tickets and explaining what we had to do to get through the Secret Service security checks (think airport minus taking off the shoes thank the Lord).

The crowd was a mix of young and old, black, white and latino, male and female and we were all pretty friendly; there was a lot of chatting going on between complete strangers, which was fun. For example, this is Audra (standing next to The Husband). She is a fervent Obama supporter who was playing hooky from work and told her boyfriend that she would "freak out" if she got the chance to shake Obama's hand, which seemed to slightly alarm him. She very graciously bought me an Obama button and insisted I keep it. Which I did.

This lone Hillary Clinton supporter spent at least an hour walking back and forth waving her sign at those of us in the line, which I thought took a lot of guts. I am pleased to report people clapped and cheered for her in good humor as she wandered around.

Amazingly, the crowd was all in the arena before the announced start time. People amused themselves doing The Wave (which I loathe personally and remained stubbornly in my seat with my arms folded firmly) and chanting "Yes, we can" over and over and over as a way to hurry things up and lure him out, I guess.

Thankfully, Senator Obama's arrival was finally announced (three minutes late, not too shabby) and with the deafening roar of the crowd no doubt ringing painfully in his ears, he at last took the stage. He gave about a twenty minute speech and then opened up the floor to questions from the audience. They ranged from questions regarding his positions on Nafta, abortion and sex ed, Darfur, the Iraq war, black on black crime in our communities and yes, The Speech.

I can't tell you exactly what he said, but I can tell you this. The man clearly knows his stuff. He certainly proved without a doubt - to me anyway - that he can be as wonky as any decent politician should be as he answered some lady's very detailed question regarding a Bill that he is currently sponsoring in the Senate. I dunno what it was, as I mentally zoned out to take pictures of Anderson Cooper who was watching from the back of the arena. He's a pretty good looking fella, this picture doesn't do him justice.

But back to Barack! Senator Obama is extremely witty and engaging. He comes across as a very warm and real human being, as someone who is saying exactly what he really thinks and not what he thinks he should say because the opinion polls are up or down. A cynic might say that's what makes him such an excellent politician, I suppose.

But he seemed pretty fearless. For example, in answering a question about education, he pointed out that No Child Left Behind wasn't working as intended (crowd grumbles with agreement, yes it sucks) and that teachers should get more pay (hooray, lots of crowd cheering), while at the same time tasking the teacher's union to stop blocking ways to get useless teachers out of the system (hmm no cheering, not quite crickets and tumbleweed, but close. The teacher's union must be strong in Charlotte).

What impressed me the most was his ability to logically tie together every topic and policy he was asked about into a coherent overall governmental plan and explain how education, poverty, the economy, the environment, the war, ad nauseam, were not stand-alone issues separate from one another but intricately linked to each other and the most important link in all that is us the American people. He did this extemporaneously, on the hoof, no teleprompters, no notes, nothing.

It is true what the pundits say, he is an extremely inspirational speaker and it's very difficult not to get caught up in it all. As he left the stage, he was totally swamped by the ecstatic crowd and stayed there for a good forty-five minutes talking to people.

But underneath all the speechifying it seemed obvious, at least to me, that he has a first class mind that remains pragmatic and realistic about how much hard work it would take to implement all these great ideas. And he freely admits that he's not perfect, that he will make mistakes, and that he will do things that people will disagree with. I find it refreshing to hear a politician admit to all that. Of course, I went into the whole shebang liking him already, so I am clearly biased.

The Husband, on the other hand, is a hard core Republican who has never voted for a Democrat in his entire life (Jesus, he voted for Bush, twice. I try not to think about it for the sake of marital harmony). So what was his opinion? Well, he was completely and utterly converted. He thinks Obama "has the vision this country needs right now before it's too late for us all". He has become one of those fabled "Obamacans" you hear about on the telly all the time. He even bought a Obama '08 t-shirt on the way out! I was - and remain - utterly amazed and gratified at this most unexpected turn of events and that pretty much sums up my feelings for the entire trip.

I can't wait to see how this primary and election will play out.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Barack The Vote

North Carolina has suddenly become important in American politics!

The first presidential candidate to announce an appearance in The Tarheel State was Barack Obama and The Husband and I leapt at the chance to see him. We drove over 300 miles (there and back) to Charlotte today for the opportunity to take a gander at a top-job contender, up close and personal, and we were not disappointed in that respect. We were pretty darn close! I have to say, I would have been just as happy to see Hillary Clinton or John McCain, but alas they have yet to come anywhere near us; but I live in hope they will.**

However, it's been a long - but exciting - day, so I will report more on our trip tomorrow.

**Okay, full honesty here...there is actually no way in hell I would have driven such a distance to see John McCain. But hey! I am a Democrat!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Causing A Scene

If you haven't heard or watched the work of Improv Everywhere, let me tell you, you have to see it to believe it.

In a nutshell they are a New York based improv group who stage "scenes" in public places to amuse - or maybe just confuse - unsuspecting members of the general public. They've frozen Grand Central Station (one of my favorites), conducted a cell phone symphony and sent 111 shirtless men into an Abercombie and Fitch. Some of their efforts work better than others but they are always interesting to watch.

Their latest one is a musical "interlude" set in a mall food court. I have never denied that I am a flamingly gay man trapped in a woman's body, and my roots in musical theater go deep, so maybe that's why this one appeals to me so much.

What do you think?

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Another Dispatch From The Educational Front Line

I was a Government/Civics substitute teacher today and it was most interesting. I had three classes that were a mix of freshman to senior; the students were male and female, African American, White, Hispanic, and Asian. The task was to try and make historical Supreme Court decisions (such as Brown v. The Board of Education or Miranda v. Arizona) relevant and accessible to today's pupils, so the discussion ranged across a host of current event topics. Here is a sampling of opinions I heard debated today and I leave it to you to try and figure out which demographic said what.

Politics
Elliot Spitzer is a stupid hypocrite and absolutely should have been drummed out of office.
Prostitutes are cool.

We should keep an eye on Pakistan; they are dangerous and want to kill us all.
Pakistan is changing for the better because Zardari and Sharif have agreed to share power.
Where is Pakistan?

Affirmative action is wrong and damages white people.
White people send their children to private schools so they don't have to mix with minorities; "separate but equal" is pretty much still in effect as far as public education goes.
Minorities would not get into good schools and be routinely passed over for jobs if it weren't for affirmative action.
American society is geared towards white people.
Minorities rarely get fair chances in American society.
Minorities, especially black people, should take more responsibility for their own problems in society.

Barack Obama is a Muslim terrorist who will not pledge allegiance to the US flag.
Obama is the only one who can lead our country out of the mess we're in because he transcends race and Washington politics.
Obama is racist.
America is racist.
America is not racist.
Hillary Clinton is racist.
Clinton has a much better grasp of policy than Obama.
Hillary should have left Bill and kicked his ass out.
Hillary is a Christian who forgave her husband just like the Bible said she should.
America will never elect a black man for President.
America will never elect a woman for President.
It doesn't matter who wins the Democratic primary because either one will lose the general election.
It doesn't matter if Clinton or Obama win the general election because either one will be assassinated immediately if they do.
The Democrats will win the general election because of the economy.
John McCain is really, really old.
McCain will win the general election because he's a Republican and the Republicans always win.
McCain is a warmonger.
McCain is a war hero.
McCain who?
I'm not fighting in Iraq, you can forget that.
I'm in the reserve, I'd be proud to go to Iraq and defend my country when I graduate.
The government could re-institute the draft and make me go fight in Iraq? No way!
Who cares? Nobody listens to people like us anyways.

Immigration
Mexicans are evil. Except the ones that are actually in my class.
Mexicans are all members of gangs.
Mexicans stare at our women and want to date them and we don't like that.
All illegal immigrants, especially Mexicans, should be rounded up and deported.
America should build a wall to keep immigrants, especially Mexicans, out.
I'm not building that wall though and I'm not picking lettuce in no damn field, either.
We shouldn't have to learn Spanish or any other language, immigrants should adapt to our country, not the other way around.

Homosexuality and Gay Marriage
Gay people should all be rounded up and walled into their "own" city.
Homophobia is still a big problem in America.
Every girl needs to have at least one gay man for a friend.
Gay men are just gross but lesbians are awesome.
Homosexuality is wrong because Leviticus in the Bible says so ; therefore gay marriage is evil and wrong.
People can't help it if they're gay, they're born that way.
Being gay is a lifestyle choice.
Gay people don't belong in the military.
Better a gay fighting in Iraq than me.
A gay man better not try and touch me.
A gay man wouldn't touch you with a barge pole, so don't worry about it.

There was more, much more, but I think you get the general idea. To me, it was teenaged shapshot of debates that are going on all around the country today. I would have to say the majority of students lacked the critical thinking skills to be able defend their opinions. When challenged to explain why they thought the things they did, all they could so was shrug their shoulders and mumble that classic teenage line, "I dunno". I suspect that a lot of them were just parroting ideas or views they've heard at home and had really not given any of it much thought until they were questioned.

On the other hand, I was very pleasantly surprised at the depth of reasoning and knowledge from quite a few of these young people and their ability to articulate exactly why they felt the way they did. I enjoyed all the conversations immensely; these kids are our future and I say, don't despair, there is hope!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

I Love The Smell Of Fresh Hypocrisy In The Morning

So today we will find out if New York state Govorner Elliot Spitzer will resign after the big news came out this weekend that he was a frequent client of prostitutes. Normally I would shrug, shout at the telly, "who cares? let him shag whoever he wants!" and get back to watching American Idol reruns. However, it seems that the exalted Gov. Spitzer made his name busting up the very same prozzie rings he has been caught happily spending over $80,000 on. Ooops!

So I am actually interested in this case, because it falls into my favorite political/religious category of "the insufferable crusading know-it-all who's convinced YOU are a sinner and wants to tell you why you're gonna burn in hell while he's proudly standing on his own holier than thou pedestal that is actually made of extremely watery and unstable clay".

Or to put it in a more reader friendly way; haha, you are a big fat hypocrite!

There seems to be no end to these guys. It's like a bizarre game of whack-a-mole, they just keep popping up!

Whap! Take that Jim "cancer on the body of Christ" Bakker. Whap! Begone Jimmy "I have sinned against you my Lord" Swaggert. Whap! Go away Ted "I'm a deceiver and a lier" Haggard. Whap! Bugger off Mark "I let the people down" Foley. Whap! Resign already Larry "wide stance" Craig.

The traits these type of people have in common are not political affiliations or religious beliefs but massive intolerance, breathtaking duplicity and sniveling apologies once they get invariably get caught with their pants down.

I have said it before and I'll say it again; show me someone who gets really worked up about sex and drugs and rock 'n' roll, who is profoundly afraid of gays, minorities or anyone who is just generally other and I'll bet you a dollar that when he gets home from a busy and tiring day of denouncing, he sweetly kisses his loyal and unsuspecting wife and then heads to his secret hideout, where he puts on a raunchy Snoop Dogg toon while he sparks up a doobie, washes his Vicodin down with a pint of Crown Royal, wriggles into his full body leather fetish suit complete with dog collar and leash, and happily waits for his Muslim worshipping African American tranny escort, Ms. Thang, to arrive and whip him into an ecstatic - yes, almost religious - frenzy.

Gotta go now, the Guv is getting ready to tell us why exactly he is such a deceitful gasbag, how sorry he is and how he has no choice but resign! Fun stuffs!

Oh yeah P.S.
The Colbert Report's headline last night on this story was "Spitz-er Swallows". I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair. Colbert for president!

**Update**

He feels remorse and wants to "atone for his private failings". Not even one glistening tear. Lame.



*hypocrisy jpeg courtesy of getreligion.org

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Quarantined!!!

Remember me telling you a couple of weeks ago how sick everyone has been in our house? And how we all kept giving various colds and stomach flus to each other? And how I commented that The Husband had been ever so pathetic when it was his turn at being ill, but that he was a slacker 'cause we'd all been waaay sicker than he was? Member that?

Well, here's the funny thing.

I was thinking about all that, and how you should never ever impugn a man's honor no matter what the subject is, as I was driving him to the emergency room this morning. After three days of body wracking shivering chills, gripping nausea and a constant 102F temperature, he finally agreed that perhaps medical intervention was needed after all, and off we went to find out that he has a severe case of the flu. I am happy to report that it was NOT Lyme disease, cancer, leprosy malaria or typhoid like The Husband was worried about in his delirium (and he calls me a hypochondriac, hmmph).

I was excited because it's always such a joy to take a trip our local hospital. And when I say joy, I mean a miserable trip into the bowels of hell. It's always packed to the rafters and the staff there, who are generally shipped in from Duke Hospital, rarely hide their low opinions of the yokels; I actually had a doctor once quip "it's so nice to talk to someone intelligent for a change". So much for the old bedside manner, doc!

Today was not much better - the doctor condescendingly tried to take me to task for not getting my entire family flu shots already. When I asked him if The Husband had one of the strains that matched this year's flu shot, 'cause I had heard from the CDC that it only covered maybe 40% of what was going around this year, so what exactly would be the point of that, he looked extremely surprised and blurted, " oh you know about that?". When I assured him that yes, I could actually read, and would he please answer the question, he at least had the grace to look embarrassed as he mumbled a muted "no". Asshat.

So I am living in fear of future illness now; yesterday my manager at the gallery had the exact same symptoms as The Husband. Damn that Protestant work ethic that drives infected people to turn up at work!!! And now that I think about it, George, my Emergency Back-Up Husband (TM), was at the house on Sunday feeling very sick with something that seems like flu now in retrospect. Grrrrrr.

Thanks for sharing ya'll, don't come back now, ya hear?

Monday, March 10, 2008

Amen To That!

As much as I believe in the separation of Church and State (and I believe in it a lot), there are some benefits to sending your child to a church school. For a start, the majority of these schools in the US use the A Beka system (click the linkie if you don't know what that is). Yes, there is some element of "A is for Abraham" in there, but I like the fact that my child is learning that having values matters.

The downside, as we discovered with The Princess, is that little kids can't really tell the difference between religion and secular icons; her complicated rendition of how Jesus came over on the Mayflower remains one of my favorite memories of all time.

And so it goes with The Punk.

He was a happy little camper all day yesterday, puttering around with his tools and singing to himself. Except the words he was singing went, "Spank me harder, spank me harder..." ending with a heartfelt "Amen!". We sure were curious where he learned that one, in between bouts of hysterical laughter.

Grandma finally figured out that the song he was singing should have went "Bless us Father, bless us Father, for our food ... Amen". His class sing this every day at school before they have snack-time, and I guess he got a little confused.

I'll admit I like his version better.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

But I Wish She'd Told Us Her Name ...

This young lady has quite an impressive talent for accents. Check it out!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

A Weekly (ish) Update

I have been seriously neglecting this blog the last few weeks. When I started it (over a year ago now) it never occurred to me that I would feel "blog guilt"; I do believe it's a unique 21st century nagging feeling that revolves around not posting updates on your own blog AND remorse over not reading the other blogs you like to keep up with. It's only some small comfort to know that I'm not the only one that feels it or complains about it!

On that note I would like to thank Pawhealer for her very kind words about me last week. One of the really unexpected but fun benefits of blogging is getting to know other people that you would normally never have the opportunity to meet in real life and when I don't have the chance to check in on them, I get a little antsy. And it's even more cool when they like you back, heh.

But I digress.

Here are some things that have happened around here while I have been AWOL from the blog, in no particular order.

Another main part of the rotten tree in our front yard fell off into the street. Again. We cannot get a tree cutter to cut it down because it's right next to power lines, and the power company won't come and do it because it's "not their job". The city manager is aware of the problem but is quite content to let it be because it's "really not their job". Needless to say, every time a piece comes down onto the lines and knocks out the electricity in our area, we are very popular with our neighbors.


The Punk somehow got the lid off a child-proof bottle of infant Tylenol and drank what was left of it. Luckily, there was only a tiny little bit left in the bottle, but it scared the bejeesus out of me. He also made me mad because he was soooo proud of himself for doing it. Once we figured out he had not fatally poisoned himself and we didn't have to make a trip to the ER, I asked him if we could sell him on the black market and he actually thought about it for a few seconds before saying no. He really is too smart for his own good. Punk.


The Princess, on the other hand, came home with good news - she has been invited to join a Duke University program for gifted children, which is quite an honor and an awesome opportunity for her to participate in brainy activities she wouldn't normally get exposed to anywhere around these parts.

Surprisingly, she was not at all excited about it, until I figured out that all our years of brainwashing regarding how much we hate Duke's basketball team had actually sunk in. I spent an hour carefully explaining that this program was different than that and how proud of herself she should be. But I have to admit, as a Carolina alumni, I was secretly pleased by her reaction. Isn't that awful?

And happiest news of the week comes from our good friend Sean and his lovely wife April. They produced baby Olivia on Tuesday. Well, technically April produced her via C-section while Sean watched in a rather ghoulish fashion, especially taking in the fact that the doctors had to bounce on April's ribcage to finally pop Olivia out. I don't blame her reluctance, it's cold outside! But she is quite a beauty, isn't she? I am particularly envious of her full head of hair, as both The Princess and The Punk were born bald as old coots.

As soon as we get over our family cold and/or stomach flu that we keep giving each other over and over, we are going to go see her and take in that wonderful newborn baby smell - if you're a parent you know the one I mean. And even better, we get to give her back to her parents when we're done ...

I think that about wraps it up; got to go now as The Husband is sitting next to me in a pitiful fashion, sniffling and hacking, waiting for me to pay attention to him in that sad man way they have when they're sick. He's a week behind the rest of us in the illness competition, slacker. Why me and Grandma are already well into round two!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

I Am Soooo White

The adults in the house are slowly recovering from the funk the children brought home to us a couple of weeks ago; they were sick for a day or so max, while we continue to feel like crap and have kept the nagging chesty cough as a lovely parting gift. Thanks kids! It's great to be a parent!

I haven't felt much like blogging, this week, it's been all I can do to go to work and not lapse into little mini-comas periodically through out the day.

However, I did manage to find this little gem - Stuff White People Like. If you're white, I'll bet you a shiny new American penny that you'll recognize at least a few familiar things about yourself and all your white friends and have a laugh. Trust me, you're in there, baby. If you're not white, you'll laugh because it's skewering a whole herd of politically correct sacred cows about white people and dang it, it's funny!

I was going to list all that ones that apply to me, but it got too long. I stand skewered!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Happy President's Day!

Today I take a leaf from Pawhealer and come clean.

My name is Honeysuckle Rose and I am a political junkie.

I have spent my sick day today roaming around the bloggersphere reading all the latest updates from The Drudge Report to Daily Kos and everything in-between. I even found myself watching The Chris Matthews Show earlier today just to get one last fix before putting the kids to bed. This made me stop and question my sanity, because I generally can't stand him and think he is a total wanker.

And it's not just me (which makes me feel a little bit better). The Husband has been bitten hard too and we've had some humdinger heated debates the last few weeks. The fact that when I first met him he was a *cough* Republican should give you a clue as to what those debates were. And yes, I married him anyway.

Between us both we have read every candidate's website (both Democrat and Republican) and watched nearly all the debates to find out what their policies are and how they would affect us personally. And argued about it, of course.

We have been emailed every viral video that's made the rounds - Yes We Can for Obama, Hillary4You&Me for Hillary, the John.He.Is one bashing John McCain, and yes, even the one of Mike Huckabee where he talks about eating fried squirrel (remind me, why do people make fun of us Southerners again?).

These are all safe for work; but I must warn you the jaunty little tune in the Hillary video gets inside your head, sets up camp, and urges you to pull your brains out later on in the day, the "worthiness" of the Obama video makes me want to stick my tongue out at it, and the John McCain video just creeped me out completely. And while I would never in a kajillion years vote for Mike Huckabee, I just like him, dangit. He could be one of my uncles, what can I say?

And it's heartening to see that the election coverage has pushed Britney and her other celebutard chums off the front pages - at least for a little while. I've even heard the teenagers at school talking politics, which is an amazing thing in itself.

But as fun as it is to watch and debate and parse every utterance of all the candidates, none of these people are President - yet.

So I leave you with the inclusive words of Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address as read by Johnny Cash. Happy President's Day!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

The Universe Is Always Listening

The whole family has been sick going on for over a week now, but I managed to avoid it. Yep, I even bragged about it yesterday I was so proud, so of course, I woke up today feeling like crap.

I got it. I am officially diseased.

Going to bed now ....

Friday, February 15, 2008

A Very Late Christmas Present

Christmas Eve I wrote about the deeply unpleasant experience of my mother having her purse snatched from Wal-Mart.

She was lucky in the fact that she was carrying nothing of monetary value, but she did lose a few sentimental items that really bummed her out. We held out hope that someone would find the purse and turn it in to the police, but to be honest we gave up on that thought weeks ago.

So imagine our huge surprise when Mom got a phone call today telling her that a good Samaritan had found her handbag in a ditch near Wal-mart and turned it in!

The most amazing thing about this whole thing is that everything was still in it, albeit really, really moldy from having been out in the weather for well over a month. Obviously the thief took one look, saw there was no cash or credit cards, and threw it away in a tremendous crackhead huff.

It really made our day! Now I just have to convince her that she probably - for the sake of all that is fashion holy in this world - NOT consider going back to using a cloth bag that has been outside for almost two months.

Because she is ....

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day

I went to bed last night at 9pm so I was very surprised to wake up this morning to heaps of snow outside. The last time we had any sort of precipitation, the local news teams were crazy excited for days on end before anything actually happened, so why was there not a peep this time around? It's because they just make stuff up 99% of the time, is my suspicion.

So no school for any of us today, hurrah!

The Husband informed me a few days ago that he was not buying me anything for Valentine's Day. I was disappointed about missing out on the hunting knife featured in Mahala's blog, but I will get over it I suppose.

Hope ya'll have a good one!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Not Quite The Queen's English

I am always amazed when I see and hear scads of informed teenagers on television and in the news media, asking pertinent political questions, organizing relief funds for disaster victims, protesting against the atrocities in Darfur, or just generally acting like real people instead of idiots.

Because I sure haven't seen or heard any like that around these parts.

Yesterday in class I participated in this conversation that took place between a black girl and a Hindi boy...

Girl:
So yo, where you from again?

Boy:
North Carolina.

Girl:
Naw, naw, I mean where you people come from? Mesopintania? Mesitinpamia? Meso ... Meso ...

Me:
Are you trying to say Mesopotamia?

Girl:
Yeah, that one!

Me:
That's not actually a country you know.

Girl:
It ain't? Aight (shrugs shoulders). I jus' wanna know what language do he speak at home?

Boy: (getting irritated)
English.

Girl:
No, what language do you talk at wit' your homies? That other stuff!

Boy: (exasperated)
What other stuff?!

Girl: (smugly)
Wells, I be speaking English when I'm at home.

I have to admit I laughed out loud at the unintended irony in that statement, I just couldn't help it. I haven't quite mastered not snickering at students yet, but I'm working on it.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

8 Days A Week

I have been working two jobs for the last few weeks .... subbing at schools when they call and working at the gallery the rest of the time. I don't really know what day it is anymore, they have all run together...

I hope to get back into some kind of regular routine next week!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

You Suck At Photoshop

If you're interested in learning how to use Photoshop whilst having a laugh, look no further than this site. Trust me.

Monday, February 4, 2008

It Takes A Global Village ....

... to drive you completely around the twist.

Let me explain. We are behind on paying off our account with Lowe's, on account of the children need food to eat and January was a little bit tough around here monetarily speaking. So the first thing to be ignored was the bill to the home improvement store, as they don't provide anything we have an immediate need for at this time. I sure would *like* to be able to pay them, but if it comes down to paying off a mega-corporation or feeding my kids, my kids win every time and Lowe's can bite me.

The downside, of course, is the harassing phone calls that start the day after your bill is not paid. I didn't use to mind these so much a few years ago; you would speak to the home office in Des Moines, promise to pay, they would pretend to believe you, and that was that. But since all those jobs got computerized and farmed out to India, they irritate the crap out of me now. The phone starts ringing at 8am on the dot and doesn't stop until 7pm at night.

If you actually answer the call, what you hear is a pre-recorded message saying, "please hold until a customer service representative is available to take your call". Um, look here butthead, you called me. I am *not* standing around with my thumb up my ass waiting for you to finish your coffee and amble over to the phone so I can get a lecture on how I owe you money.

So we have stopped answering the phone when they call; you would think they would figure out most people have caller i.d. by now.

And when and if I do actually answer the phone and wait for your slow ass to show up so's I can pays you the monies I owe, please don't insult my intelligence, person from India with fake American accent, by telling me your name is Bobbie Sue. I don't care what the PR people told you on your training course on how to deal with pissed off Yanks, pretending to be a middle-age white Episcopalian from Kansas does NOT make me warm to you. I am quite sure that you are a twenty-something Hindi named Vidya, with a master's degree in physics or something. So just quit it.

On the bright side, it seems that four underseas internet cables were cut a few days ago, severely disrupting global telecommunications in Egypt and India. We knew this the day it happened, because the phone calls stopped abruptly. I am not proud to admit this, but we laughed and laughed here, and did a little jig.

There is speculation in the press that it was sabotage and I totally believe it. I am absolutely positive it was someone who just couldn't wait a second longer for that elusive customer service representative to show up...

Friday, February 1, 2008

The Damon Supremacy (So Not Safe For Work)

Okay, this clip ostensibly stars comedienne Sarah Silverman, long-time girlfriend of talk show host Jimmy Kimmel. (If you don't watch his show, he's had a long running gag that he's always "out of time" for Matt Damon; then when Mr. Damon actually DID appear on the show, Kimmel bumped him for realz causing much "drama"). It was a vaguely amusing bit, with Jimmy Kimmel always coming out tops, the tired old chat-show comedy schtick you can always see coming from miles away. I admit, I was expecting more of the same with this "video letter" Sarah made for his recent anniversary show.

I was wrong.

I totally didn't see this coming. Nicely played Matt Damon, nicely played.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Lowering The Tone, One Bird At A Time

I first saw this on Skinbeater Greg's blog - which you should go check out if you haven't yet, it's a blast - but now it's popping up everywhere, so I don't feel like I'm ripping off his content quite so much, hehe.

A reporter goes beyond the call of duty when reporting on an infestation of birds ....

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Dispatch From The Educational Front Line

Today, while subbing for a math teacher at the high school, I discovered that three more freshman girls are pregnant. These are not the same three girls I mentioned in an earlier post, but three different young ladies. If it's been a while since you were in school, remember that freshmen are usually 14 to 15 years old. That means there are six teenage mothers-to-be so far in one class who are going to have babies before they get their driver's license. And that doesn't count the older ones that have already had their babies or the ones that have already had abortions. Yep, heard about that today, too.

Just between us, I really don't think the whole "Purity" abstinence campaign that the Bush administration spent millions on is working. And evangelicals can preach until they're blue in the face that it does, but these girls are clearly not saying "no". It makes me want to take a basket of condoms and fling them around like pinata candy in every classroom I go into. And if we lived in a country that wasn't so hung up about the morality of teenage sex, instead of dealing with the reality of teenage sex, someone would be able to.

I know that reasons for modern teen pregnancy are far more complicated than just ignorance and/or lack of birth control, but at least it would be a start in the right direction of breaking the cycle.

I guess until we - as a society - can show these girls that they are worth something more and that having a baby at age 15 may not be the smartest move they make, this epidemic will just continue. And lest anyone think I am condemning them or dissing all single mothers, I am not at all. I simply feel compassion for them as a parent and as a woman; they have chosen a very hard road to go down and it takes major character and strength of will to get yourself and your child through it unscathed.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Tell Me Something I Don't Know

I came across this article on Newsweek trumpeting a brand new study that discovers that men think they're smarter than women, when in fact, they average out at about the same. Shocking news, isn't it?

Hmmm, I wonder how many millions the science boffins spent to discover a fact that any woman could have told them for absolutely free?

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Dog Day Afternoon: A Test

The literal bone of contention was a juicy beef bone that still had bits of marrow hanging from it. Our little dog, Eddie, wanted it baaaad and our big dog, Earnest, did not feel inclined share it.

Not.one.little.bit.

Don't worry, these encounters never end in bloodshed, just much whining and sulking from the loser, who is always Eddie, bless his yap-happy little heart.

Today was another Dog Day Afternoon. But now for the test!

I want you, gentle reader, to imagine living in my house:

There are four children constantly shouting at the top of their lungs Why can't I find my shoes/backpack/homework/cellphone? Mommy!!! Grandma!!!! Daddy!!! Come here now! Then add the background noise of dognails clicky-clacking constantly on the hardwood floors as they tussle for the food The Punk has dropped under the kitchen table - on purpose - yet again.

You hear strange loud voices coming from somewhere and begin to wander through the house, searching, only to discover that the television is on in not one but two rooms, blaring at top volume, and yet no one is there to watch them. And - worst of all - upstairs, you can faintly hear the sinister whine of the electric drill your husband is using on something (you don't know what and you're afraid to ask).

How long you would last before you wanted to take religious orders and enter a quiet and peaceful nunnery?

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Let It Snow

It finally snowed yesterday, although it was nothing like the major storm the hysterical weatherpeople had been warning would hit us. Nonetheless, the children could hardly wait for the snow to hit the ground before they were outside playing in it. The girls immediately gathered materials for a snowball fight and were lying in wait for The Punk to get his coat on and get outside. He was a little confused and upset the first time they pelted him because we have spent the last six months telling him that throwing things was naughty and threatening him with dire trouble if he does.

But once he figured out that throwing snow was the exception to the rule and he was not only allowed but encouraged to hit them back, he was totally over the moon and positively giddy with excitement. I suspect we will now spend the next six months shouting at him about throwing stuff in the house again, but I guess it was worth it to see them all having such a great time.


He's got a pretty good arm and he's a fast little bugger. He managed to nail the girls a couple of times despite the fact that they are bigger, faster and stronger. He's also smart, managing to get The Princess in the side of the head when she wasn't looking.

There really wasn't enough snow to build a proper snowman but that didn't stop clever children...they wanted a snowman and they built one, even if he was only six inches tall!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

What Was The Name Of That Song Again?

Watch this clip from last night's American Idol. Once you get over this guy's stunning get-up (is that bubble wrap nestled in his cape?) I issue a challenge: if you're not humming his self penned tune to yourself after ten seconds I will be absolutely amazed. Simon is right, it has Top Ten pop hit plastered all over it. That's not a compliment to the pop industry, by the way, just a wry personal observation.

A chance to marvel at people like this is what keeps me returning to American Idol...and I'm sure I'm not alone in that ...

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

My Budding Paparazzi

The Princess (pictured left in a self-portrait) got a digital camera for Christmas and has been busily learning how to use it. I was quite pleased that she was so interested and we've spent the last few weeks chatting about things like the proper use of lighting and how to frame her photos. I've always enjoyed photography - I've taken many classes and was the photo editor of my college yearbook - so it wasn't that much of a stretch to congratulate myself that my child was a creative little chip off the old mommy block.

Yep, I was pretty smug about it all until I downloaded the pictures she had taken and quickly realized what her main theme was; torturing The Punk.




It seems she likes to follow him around, goad him into crying(the picture above tells me that she had help from one of her sisters at least once), and then take endless pictures of his wailing. These are just a few examples ....

I have to give her credit - her composition isn't bad and she was pretty good about making sure there was a enough light. Sure, one is a little fuzzy, but I imagine it's difficult to focus when your subject is trying to hit you to make you quit it.

Now, I've been told a bit of sibling abuse is normal and goodness knows The Punk often brings it on himself. But just watch this snippet of video she took - or rather listen, as she didn't know that you need more light when you're taping, and you can't see anything, although the audio pretty much clues you into what is happening.

I thought hmmmm is this how it starts? Is she gonna be shouting "Britney!" from the sides of curbs, or following future Lindsay Lohans around Hollywood in ten years time? Keep an eye out for for the hysterical, yet inevitable, 'Why Don't You Leave The Punk alone!" YouTube clip coming soon ....