Happy New Year!

Hope you all have a fantastic and safe New Year's Eve and best wishes for the new year!

Okay, back to my drinking now!

A Belated Merry Christmas

Not having learned our lesson about going outside to shop - you know, around the general public - my mother and I foolishly decided to pick up a few stocking stuffers Christmas eve. We had planned on hitting Walmart first to buy a dog bed they had advertised and move on, but sadly we never made it anywhere else.

Someone just full of desperate Christmas spirit lifted Mom's purse and legged it out of the store just as we headed to the check out line. So we spent the next hour dealing with the police, figuring out alternate methods of payment, and trying to handle all the general angsty feelings that getting robbed in broad daylight can bring out in a person.

I have to say that unlike my friend Dixie's recent robbery experience, our local police arrived within 5 minutes and were extremely nice, as were several shoppers who saw what was happening and offered the use of their cell phones, rides home and commiserations, with one nice elderly gentleman offering the opinion that "I bet that person feels like a real asshole right about now".

I seriously doubt that, else they wouldn't done it in the first place, but I am happy to report that the asshole in question who snatched her purse got absolutely nothing but her driver's license and a few pictures in an old handbag that had definitely seen better days. Mom was not carrying any cash, credit cards, cell phone or even car keys, since I was driving. She managed to contact the bank from the store and cancel her ATM card and checkbook less than 10 minutes after it happened. Still, it was a real pisser.

On the bright side, we lost nothing of monetary value, witnessed the kindness of strangers and had a great Christmas Day in spite of the stress. I hope you did, too!

From our herd to yours, happy holidays!

The Joys Of Christmas Shopping

This year I decided to try and do most of my Christmas shopping online, mainly because I accidentally signed up as a Prime member of Amazon a couple of months ago. Don't ask me how one does that, just accept the fact that I am a knucklehead who really doesn't understand the internets all that well, as I have, and move on.

As a Prime member you got free 1 or 2 day shipping all the way up to yesterday, and until Sunday you still only have to pay $3.99 if you want it the next day. That's pretty sweet and painless - all the presents I bought have arrived and will be wrapped this evening, hooray!

Having said all that, you might wonder why in the world I ventured out to a department store last night. To be honest, I'm not sure myself, but I did, and it was sheer hell. The place looked like it had been looted; there was stuff overflowing in a chaotic mess in the aisles, there were no prices on anything, and worst of all there were crowds of other people trying to shop, what seemed like millions of them, and there were only two staff in the whole damn store to service us all.

As I only wanted to buy one thing, I hoped I could get in and out pretty quick, but I hadn't factored in the possibility that I would get in the check out line behind a clueless idiot. It always happens, you think I would learn by now and take a book to read.

She was a middle-age blond lady, clearly high maintenance (freshly done nails, exquisite make-up, expensive outfit) who was looking for a bargain. These are dangerous types of ladies, folks, try and steer clear of them if you can, as they tend to be ruthless, yet stupid.

She waited until the salesperson had rung up her total to say, "Oh wait, I wanted to use my store card to get 20% off", and giggled a little girlish laugh that made my skin crawl. The poor harried salesperson, who looked like she had already been rolled through a particularly stressful hedge, managed to smile and assure her it was no problem, she would void it and start over. Which she did.

The dodo bird waited patiently until the new total was rung up to belatedly remember she could save even more money! She simpered, "Um, that was 50% off. So I should be getting 70% off, right?" More girlish giggles. The salesperson's smile slipped, just for a moment, and you could see in her eyes that she might be harboring a wish to beat this moonbat ever so lightly about the head with a blunt object, but she quickly regained control of herself and reassured the lady that she would void it and start over, yet again.

I looked back over my shoulder to see the long line of people behind us start to fidget and look restless at about the same time I noticed that the person who was loudly and heavily breathing in an very annoyed fashion was me. I told myself it was almost over, to chill out, it is what it is, and exercised all the mental relaxation techniques you're supposed to do when confronted with extreme stupidity. Which all went out the window when the lady then said, "Okay, now I want to pay off what I just bought on my store card".

A collective groan rippled through the line and the salesperson visibly wilted. Cheerfully, the lady then handed back the very same store credit card she had just used to pay with to the salesperson and stood looking expectantly at her. The salesperson, confused, said "I thought you wanted to pay off your store credit card?" The lady said, "Yes I do". The salesperson said, "Great, how would you like to pay?" The lady said, "With my store credit card".

The salesperson replied "I'm sorry, you can't do that. You ha-". At this point, the blond lady with the delightfully (in her mind I'm sure) girlish laugh suddenly morphed into outraged pissed off scary dragon lady, interrupted and began to argue the point. "But I just paid it over in the men's section!! They let me do it!! This is outrageous!! I just did it!! I did!! I want to see the manager!!" She managed to work herself into quite a lather and I was delighted to see her exquisitely applied make-up start to sweat off.

The salesperson, who vainly tried to get a word in to explain, finally shouted very loudly - and in a gleeful tone of voice that I can't blame her for - "Ma'am, you CANNOT pay off your store credit card bill with the SAME store credit card!! It doesn't work that way, I need cash or some other form of legal tender!" Snickers erupted down the waiting line as people began to realize just how dumb this lady was as we waited for the cogs to turn in her tiny brain. After a second or three of heavy thinking, she giggled girlishly (that old chestnut) and said, "Oh. Never mind then!" and beamed a smile at the stunned salesperson.

I thought the ordeal was over at last, but tragically she then decided it would be a good idea to stand at the counter for a few minutes more and re-organize her handbag. Sadly, that is not a joke. She started taking out her receipts and balancing her check book, crossing things off a list and talking to herself, totally oblivious to the fact that there were now a good twenty people waiting for her to move.

I'm not proud when I tell you that in a moment of intense irritation, I leaned up and jabbed her quite sharply on the shoulder and said, "EXCUSE ME WOULD YOU MIND MOVING NOW THERE ARE TWENTY PEOPLE WAITING BEHIND YOU TO PAY AND YOU ARE HOLDING US ALL UP, I'M IN A HURRY, PLEASE MOVE NOW, I AM A CRAZY INSANE BITCH AND I WILL KILL YOU ON THE SPOT IF YOU DON'T MOVE NOW". Or words to that effect. Whatever it was I said, it seemed to startle her and she fled for the door, much to everyone's relief. I managed to talk myself out of following her and trying to run her over in the parking lot for the greater good of mankind, but it was quite the moral struggle.

And you know what is really amazing about the whole thing? Her purchase was for a whopping $9.62.

Merry Birthday!

I have been diligently buying Christmas presents for months, wrapping them up and putting them away, smug in the knowledge that there would be no frantic last-minute shopping for me this year, not me, no sir!

Unfortunately, I never labeled many of them, stupidly thinking I would somehow remember what goes to whom, so now I'm faced with a rather large pile of unidentified, beautifully wrapped mystery items. Instead of doing what I should have done, which was unwrap the damn things and start over, I turned a blind eye and hoped for the best.

Tragically, it all came to head a couple of days ago when my friend, the always lovely Anna, stopped by for a visit. I had a nice gift ready to pass on to her mother, who really helped us out this year. Anna dutifully took it over to her and she - naughty lady, Santa is watching you - opened it immediately. Sadly, the note inside read "To Anna, Happy Birthday!". Sigh.

Anna, being the good friend that she is, got on the phone to me right away to gleefully tell me all about the embarrassing mix-up. She found the whole incident deeply funny and laughed and laughed and laughed at me. And laughed some more. I can only console myself with the fact her mother refused to hand over the present to Anna, telling her she didn't care if it had the wrong name on it, she liked it.

So much for being prepared!

The Christmas Tree

A friend of mine at work pointed me in the direction of this cute video. It really reminds me of a friend of my mother; they may have been separated at birth!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I was going to post a little video of The Punk at his school's turkey pageant but have been vetoed by The Husband and Emergency Back-Up Husband who think that's not a good idea, seeing how other people's kids would be on the tape, too. I can see their point, but I'm disappointed you won't be able to view The Punk not singing or dancing or sitting down or stopping talking or doing anything he was supposed to do.

However, he did clap enthusiastically after the end of every bit; he was by far the best clapper in the crowd!

So I will content myself with wishing you a happy holiday and a picture of him in his Indian get-up instead!

Happy Halloween!

We spent an enjoyable hour this evening walking around the neighborhood and letting The Boy loose on the general public. This year he has finally cottoned on that people will give you candy for free and all you have to do is ring the doorbell! And to be honest, he seemed to have more fun ringing doorbells than anything else (I see trouble coming on that front in a couple of years, call it a mother's intuition).

We went with George The Emergency Back-up Husband and his daughter Olivia. The Boy was Dracula and she was The Devil. Don't they make a cute pair? It's too bad she loathes him with all the passion a 7 year old little girl can muster while he worships the ground she walks on. Awwwww....

Hope you all have a fun one and be safe!

Happy Birthday America

This is the first time in 4 years that I have not been working on the 4th of July!

The kids just want to have a bonfire, roast a few marshmellows and light up some sparklers - which is great, as our podunk town doesn't do fireworks.

Will post pics later of the fun!

In the meantime, y'all have a good one and be safe!

Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day in the U.S.

Memorial Day is much more than a three-day weekend that marks the beginning of summer, it is an important reminder of those who died in the service of their country. In the U.S., it dates back to 1868, when it was originally called 'Decoration Day', a day set aside to for Civil War veteran soldiers to honor their dead comrades.

As is the custom, there will be a special ceremony at Arlington, the former home of Robert E. Lee. Did you know his wife, Mary, was the great-granddaughter of George Washington and that the estate was originally meant to be a memorial to our First President? Robert E. Lee and his wife lived there until it was seized by Union troops in 1861, and they never went back. Now it is our National cemetery, containing the graves of many thousands of people who died while in service to the U.S. and not a few foreign nationals, to boot.

By all means enjoy your day, but take a moment to remember, and maybe give something back.

Paralyzed Veterans of America works on behalf of soldiers who have spinal cord injuries or dysfunction, a medical problem that a lot of our returning Iraqi vets are struggling with right now. Donations fund spinal cord disease research and education, fighting for the rights of disabled citizens, the promotion of accessible design, sport activities and rehabilitative programs, and the search for a cure for paralysis.

Have a good one!

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy VD to you, if you celebrate it. If not, happy hump day! I suppose that could be the same thing for some..... so go for it!

I'm not particularly bothered about celebrating February 14th because EVERY day is Valentine's Day for me. I'm not trying to brag, I'm just a very lucky girl. The SO treats me like a Queen.

He has a huge romantic streak; he had M&M's specially made that said, "Will You Marry Me?" on them as a birthday gift. When I opened them, he got down on one knee, engagement ring in hand, in front of the whole family, to ask me "officially" (I said yes). He's a good father to his kids and treats my mother and The Princess as if they were his own. He is supportive of pretty much anything I want to do and constantly tells me how much he enjoys my company. A good majority of our time together is spent just hanging around the house and amazingly we never run out of anything to talk about. He tells me I'm beautiful at least once a day, is prone to moments of spontaneous affection, and actually listens to what I say. Except for the sentences I say about cleaning, but nobody's perfect.

Best of all, he's not afraid to tell me when I'm full of it, which is often every day.

I couldn't ask for a better life partner and I love him to bits!