I don't want to be an alarmist, but I told you so!
Today brings fresh reports of thieving monkeys running amok in India. According to Breitbart, "monkeys are out of control in India's northeast, stealing mobile phones and breaking into homes to steal soft drinks from refrigerators, lawmakers in the region have complained."
The problem has gotten so bad that - and this is the money quote - "monkeys were even slapping women who tried to chase them." Now isn't that just like a monkey? As I've chronicled here previously, I've been struck in anger by a simian bully and it's not pleasant.
It's crystal clear that the monkeys have chosen India to stage the first phase of their revolution. I suppose you can't blame them really, humans have forced their hand by our own over-breeding. But we must start making plans before they manage to steal more than our soft drinks. If they somehow manage to spawn a real life Dr. Zaius, we're all doomed!
According to BBC news, monkeys put out a hit on the deputy mayor of Dehli and had him whacked. Oh, they tried to make it look like he accidentally fell from his balcony, but it's obvious they pushed him off. According to the story, the area has been plagued by hordes of monkeys because devout Hindus revere them as a manifestation of the god Hanuman and are reluctant to cull them.
In fact, they feed them instead. But some people, like the deputy mayor, were attempting to lower the growing population menace by hiring monkey catchers and training larger monkeys to kill them on sight. C'mon people, wake up! It's obvious these monkeys organized a gang and plotted revenge! You just can't screw with their sweet setup without violent repercussions! They are crazy mad!
I have longed believed that we should keep an eye on monkeys at all times; they are clever, have opposable thumbs, and are out to get us. I am always on guard for a sneak monkey attack.
Why? I guess in the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that I was spanked by a monkey when I was four.
It happened at the NC State Zoo in Asheboro; some moron decided it was okay to let a "tame" monkey run around in a diaper and interact with visitors. I have a very clear memory of being completely enchanted by this amazing-monkey-in-a-diaper that was just my size and innocently went up to talk to it. It hadn't had its coffee or something that morning because it suddenly grabbed me, flipped me over its knee, and walloped me several times before embarrassed staff grabbed it and hustled it away, leaving me upset and unable to watch The Jungle Book or Planet Of The Apes without a sense of dread forever more.
As this happened back in the 60's, it ended up as a 'funny' anecdote (where the punchline ends with me whining, "Monkey spanked me!") for my parents to tell every boyfriend I ever had, rather than a full blown hysterical multi-million dollar lawsuit, scandal, and subsequent emotional television appearances on Good Morning America and/or the The View the awful experience deserved!
And I hate to say it, but we're letting monkeys spiral out of control here in America, as well!
Oh sure, defenders will say the monkeys are working for us, but when you get mugged by a rogue macaque gang enforcer on a dark street corner some day, don't say I didn't warn you ......
I don't want to be an alarmist, but I told you so!
