The Joys Of Christmas Shopping

This year I decided to try and do most of my Christmas shopping online, mainly because I accidentally signed up as a Prime member of Amazon a couple of months ago. Don't ask me how one does that, just accept the fact that I am a knucklehead who really doesn't understand the internets all that well, as I have, and move on.

As a Prime member you got free 1 or 2 day shipping all the way up to yesterday, and until Sunday you still only have to pay $3.99 if you want it the next day. That's pretty sweet and painless - all the presents I bought have arrived and will be wrapped this evening, hooray!

Having said all that, you might wonder why in the world I ventured out to a department store last night. To be honest, I'm not sure myself, but I did, and it was sheer hell. The place looked like it had been looted; there was stuff overflowing in a chaotic mess in the aisles, there were no prices on anything, and worst of all there were crowds of other people trying to shop, what seemed like millions of them, and there were only two staff in the whole damn store to service us all.

As I only wanted to buy one thing, I hoped I could get in and out pretty quick, but I hadn't factored in the possibility that I would get in the check out line behind a clueless idiot. It always happens, you think I would learn by now and take a book to read.

She was a middle-age blond lady, clearly high maintenance (freshly done nails, exquisite make-up, expensive outfit) who was looking for a bargain. These are dangerous types of ladies, folks, try and steer clear of them if you can, as they tend to be ruthless, yet stupid.

She waited until the salesperson had rung up her total to say, "Oh wait, I wanted to use my store card to get 20% off", and giggled a little girlish laugh that made my skin crawl. The poor harried salesperson, who looked like she had already been rolled through a particularly stressful hedge, managed to smile and assure her it was no problem, she would void it and start over. Which she did.

The dodo bird waited patiently until the new total was rung up to belatedly remember she could save even more money! She simpered, "Um, that was 50% off. So I should be getting 70% off, right?" More girlish giggles. The salesperson's smile slipped, just for a moment, and you could see in her eyes that she might be harboring a wish to beat this moonbat ever so lightly about the head with a blunt object, but she quickly regained control of herself and reassured the lady that she would void it and start over, yet again.

I looked back over my shoulder to see the long line of people behind us start to fidget and look restless at about the same time I noticed that the person who was loudly and heavily breathing in an very annoyed fashion was me. I told myself it was almost over, to chill out, it is what it is, and exercised all the mental relaxation techniques you're supposed to do when confronted with extreme stupidity. Which all went out the window when the lady then said, "Okay, now I want to pay off what I just bought on my store card".

A collective groan rippled through the line and the salesperson visibly wilted. Cheerfully, the lady then handed back the very same store credit card she had just used to pay with to the salesperson and stood looking expectantly at her. The salesperson, confused, said "I thought you wanted to pay off your store credit card?" The lady said, "Yes I do". The salesperson said, "Great, how would you like to pay?" The lady said, "With my store credit card".

The salesperson replied "I'm sorry, you can't do that. You ha-". At this point, the blond lady with the delightfully (in her mind I'm sure) girlish laugh suddenly morphed into outraged pissed off scary dragon lady, interrupted and began to argue the point. "But I just paid it over in the men's section!! They let me do it!! This is outrageous!! I just did it!! I did!! I want to see the manager!!" She managed to work herself into quite a lather and I was delighted to see her exquisitely applied make-up start to sweat off.

The salesperson, who vainly tried to get a word in to explain, finally shouted very loudly - and in a gleeful tone of voice that I can't blame her for - "Ma'am, you CANNOT pay off your store credit card bill with the SAME store credit card!! It doesn't work that way, I need cash or some other form of legal tender!" Snickers erupted down the waiting line as people began to realize just how dumb this lady was as we waited for the cogs to turn in her tiny brain. After a second or three of heavy thinking, she giggled girlishly (that old chestnut) and said, "Oh. Never mind then!" and beamed a smile at the stunned salesperson.

I thought the ordeal was over at last, but tragically she then decided it would be a good idea to stand at the counter for a few minutes more and re-organize her handbag. Sadly, that is not a joke. She started taking out her receipts and balancing her check book, crossing things off a list and talking to herself, totally oblivious to the fact that there were now a good twenty people waiting for her to move.

I'm not proud when I tell you that in a moment of intense irritation, I leaned up and jabbed her quite sharply on the shoulder and said, "EXCUSE ME WOULD YOU MIND MOVING NOW THERE ARE TWENTY PEOPLE WAITING BEHIND YOU TO PAY AND YOU ARE HOLDING US ALL UP, I'M IN A HURRY, PLEASE MOVE NOW, I AM A CRAZY INSANE BITCH AND I WILL KILL YOU ON THE SPOT IF YOU DON'T MOVE NOW". Or words to that effect. Whatever it was I said, it seemed to startle her and she fled for the door, much to everyone's relief. I managed to talk myself out of following her and trying to run her over in the parking lot for the greater good of mankind, but it was quite the moral struggle.

And you know what is really amazing about the whole thing? Her purchase was for a whopping $9.62.