Why I Live In Fear Of Becoming A Headline On The Local News

Two words: The Boy.

Yes, he is sweet and loving, yes, he is charming and cute. He is also really, really smart. And devious. And has a wicked sense of humor. Oh, and did I tell you he is smart? And devious. Did I mention that? Oh, okay, sorry.

Here is a list of things he has done in the last three days, in no particular order. He has:

*Stolen a pair of Grandma's shoes and slid them through the slats of the deck. They are unreachable by an adult and he won't go far enough back under the deck to get them, the little brat.

*Turned the water hose on the dog. And not just any dog, it was the dog that is mortally afraid of water in every form and freaks out if forced to go near it. It took two hours to cajole the poor mutt back to the house.

*Deliberately, and with malice aforethought, hurled a large plastic Thomas the Tank Engine at one of his sisters, giving her a black eye. I reluctantly stopped her from beating him to a pulp, as he deserved it.

*Figured out which direction the local park is in and makes a break for it as often as possible. This involves getting out of the back door (he nailed that skill over a year ago) getting out of the back gate (done 6 months ago) and running down the street, sometimes completely naked (he's been shedding his clothes since birth). We must be vigilant at all times, it's like having a wild animal loose in the house. I wonder if this is how Siegfried and Roy felt before their tiger snapped?

*Locked Grandma out of the house and wouldn't let her back in for a good ten minutes, despite ominous threats of death-type activities that might ensue and Mommy shouting over the phone "LET HER IN! I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD I'LL TAKE YOU OUT! through the plate glass window. He just laughed.

It's really the last two that keep me awake at night. I have a bad feeling, a dread, I-hope-to-God-it's-not-a-premonition, that one day soon, when the rest of us are asleep or at work, he will sneak out of his room, lock Grandma up, steal her car keys, and drive himself to the playground. By the way, I forgot to mention that he can drive. Or at least he's sussed out how to put the key in and turn it on. And change the gears.

"They seemed like such a quiet family" said local neighbors after the police managed to catch the wild runaway driving toddler. "Except for that boy ... we'd see him running down the street naked as a jay bird, we always knew something like this would happen."

And you know what's so unfair about it? We'll be the ones in jail, not him....